


my heart remembers when my memories are fleeting

by Thatbookishgirl



Series: Steve and Loki Fluff-fest [1]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Fluff, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, Masturbation, Memory Loss, Not Canon Compliant, One Shot, Resolved Sexual Tension, Secret Relationship, Sexual Fantasy, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-12 17:58:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7943917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatbookishgirl/pseuds/Thatbookishgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve loses all his memories from after he woke up after the ice due to a spell cast by Morgan le Fay. Because of this he still thinks Loki is a villain and that Bucky is dead. This results in a lot of frustration and anxiety as Steve struggled to recall what he lost. While all of this is going on the team makes Bucky hide until they find a way to explain how he is alive. On top of that, no one but Bucky knows that Steve and Loki have been seeing each other. It tears Loki up and Steve feels a hollow pain in his chest that he has no context for. How long will it take for Steve to remember what he needs?</p>
            </blockquote>





	my heart remembers when my memories are fleeting

**Author's Note:**

> This one has been hanging out in my WIP file for awhile and i decided to finally finish it tonight. I was feeling a little emotional as I wrote the last 2 pages because of fun and anxiety-provoking life changes, so I'm hoping it doesn't seem disjointed at all. Tell me what you think :)

                Steve felt pain. Nothing but pain radiating throughout his body. His fingertips felt raw and every breath was nearing agony. He could taste copper on his tongue. Blood. He knew it was his and he was afraid to open his eyes, that would probably hurt too. He tried to lift and arm and he gasped at how badly it hurt. He groaned and brought his hand up to his face, slowly. He could feel how swollen his lip was and ventured to guess this rest of his face was as bad.

                “Cap? You awake?” he heard Tony say.

                “I- agh,” Steve groaned.

                “So, yes?” he replied. Steve felt a hand on his shoulder and he slowly opened his eyes. The room was bright, painfully bright. The walls were white and he saw Bruce hovering over him with a clipboard.

                “Are you in pain?” Bruce asked.

                “Yea,” he croaked, “A lot.”

                “Well, you were hit with a pretty huge blast. We still aren’t sure what exactly happened to you, but we’re glad you’re alive,” Tony gave him a soft smile and smoothed down Steve’s arm.

                “Let’s do some general assessment right now, ok?” Bruce began.

                “Ok,” Steve breathed.

                “What’s your name?” he asked.

                “Steven Grant Rogers,” he answered.

                “Ok. Good start. What year is it?” he continued.

                “Its 20 – um, 200...,” Steve trailed off. He felt like he remembered, but that maybe he was remembering incorrectly. He grimaced when he furrowed his brow.

                “To be fair, he was wrong last time he woke up in a hospital and was asked that question,” Tony quipped.

                “Ok. Let’s narrow it differently. What is the last thing you can remember?” Bruce pressed on gently.

                “I remember…we were in the tower. Phil was…he died and we stopped fighting and made a plan. Then, that wormhole opened up. That’s the last thing,” he explained. Bruce and Tony were gaping at him. Steve didn’t know it then, but what he was describing happened 4 years ago.

                “Umm, ok. We’re gonna put a pin in that and Brucie and I are going to go talk in the hall. Need water or ice or anything? I’ll send in a nurse,” Tony rushed Bruce out of the room and swiftly closed the door behind him.

                “What the fuck?” Tony choked.

                “I have no idea. That’s some serious memory loss. We need to ask him more questions to figure out what else he forgot. And he needs some head scans,” Bruce cautioned.

                “Is this just head trauma shit or is it because of the spell Morgan le Fay blasted him with?” Tony demanded. They had all been fighting her downtown. She invaded the city with a flurry of winged creatures only Thor and Loki were familiar with. Clint and Bucky kept knocking them out of the sky while Steve charged at her on the ground. He knocked her with his shield once before she threw up her hands and threw a large blast of blue light at him. He was thrown back at least 200 feet, colliding with a building and falling to ground in an unconscious heap.

                “It’s possible. We have no idea what she hit him with. I’ll have to ask Loki,” Bruce suggested.

                “Speaking of, last he remembers was when Loki was unleashing hell on us after ‘killing’ Phil. And he thinks Bucky is still dead. He has no idea who Sam, Vision, and Wanda are. What are we gonna do about _that_?” Tony pressed.

                “Well, we should tell him that he has memory loss and what year it really is. We can introduce bring Wanda, Sam, and Vision is. I think he can handle meeting them again. But I think we might need to keep Bucky hidden. I mean, everything he went through getting Bucky back and all the things that happened…so much has happened. We are going to have to introduce everything to him again. Loki, well, his feelings about Loki and the rage are going to feel fresh. We will have to keep him behind closed doors too, at least until we get him on the same page. We should talk to the team and figure out how to best approach this. It’s not going to be easy,” Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose and pushed up his glasses.

                “I hate this,” Tony grunted.

                “So do I. Call Sam and Nat. Gather the team,” Bruce sighed.

 

**

 

                Everyone was in the communal living room in Tony’s tower. Steve was still in the medical bay with Maria and Dr. Cho. Both had been instructed to pretend as if there had been no huge changes. They told him that Loki was defeated in battle but that he just needed to rest. They were keeping him occupied.

                “Ok, guys. We have a problem. Steve has...either real or magic amnesia. We don’t know what to do,” Tony blurted.

                “What do you mean?” Bucky stood defensively.

                “He thinks it’s 2012. The last thing he remembers is Loki invading and Phil dying. Dr. Cho asked him more questions and he remembers everything up to that point, but nothing after,” Tony told everyone. Bucky growled and stalked across the living room. Sam and Darcy frowned deeply. Loki tensed his jaw and remained still. He was fighting a lot of emotions welling up inside him.

                “He thinks I’m dead,” Bucky barked.

                “Yea. We’re pretty sure he does. He didn’t ask about you,” Tony looked at him unapologetically.

                “Fuck,” he seethed, “It’ll get better right? He’ll remember?”

                “Probably. But we don’t know if this is from a head injury or if it’s a spell le Fay cast,” Bruce added.

                “Can we see him?” Bucky asked.

                “Actually, Dr. Cho and I agree, both you and Loki need to be out of sight for him now. We need to ease him into all of this. Things involving both of you are very...intense. He thinks one is dead and the other is still public enemy #1. There is no easy way to approach this,” Tony groaned into his hands. No one was happy with this. Least of all Bucky, well, as far as everyone knew. Loki was breaking.

                Inside Loki he was losing a battle against despair. Steve. _His_ Steve was sitting in a hospital bed in pain and lost in time all over again. He didn’t remember Bucky coming back. He didn’t remember them.

                “You might be right about easing him into this. I’ll go down there now and see him. Start with just getting him to feel a little more comfortable,” Natasha rose from the couch and walked to the elevator.

                “He doesn’t know me then, either. Should I stay hidden too?” Sam asked.

                “We think we can introduce you soon enough. After he fully understands exactly how much time has passed and we get to everything that has happened then it will be easier. I mean, he doesn’t associate you with anything negative so…,” Bruce just shrugged.

                “I’ll kill her. I swear,” Bucky was pacing madly back and forth across the room still.

                “Be calm, James. We can reverse it or he will get better. You did,” Thor soothed. Bucky growled again and stormed off to his room. Loki sighed and looked around the room, everyone had concerned faces and there was nothing that would bring any comfort.

                “If it is head trauma…he can recover. People have gotten back memories from worse blows,” Jane interjected, “Bucky got pretty much a lot his back after literal decades of brain wiping.”

                “But if it is a spell then how do we fix it?” Darcy asked, looking between Wanda and Loki.

                “It was a spell from le Fay. That makes things a bit trickier. I did not hear her cast it and I only saw some of it. I can only assess so much, once I…once I can see him I can begin to determine the damage,” he tried to hide his apprehension. He wanted to see Steve. He wanted to see Steve with absolute desperation. He didn’t want to walk in and see Steve look at him with fear or disgust.

 

**

 

                Steve was fidgeting. The pain had worn away for the most part, but he was still incredibly uneasy. Something was off, something was very large was missing. In fact, he felt his heart aching for someone he couldn’t remember.

                “I feel like I’m being lied to,” Steve announced as Natasha took a seat next to his bed.

                “That would be correct,” she replied truthfully.

                “What are you guys hiding? I honestly hate how familiar this is feeling; waking up and having people trying to convince me it was a different time and that nothing everything was fine. That we won the war. That I’m ok,” Steve gave her a hard look.

                She just looked at him for a moment, almost sizing him up, “That last thing you remember- the Chitari invasion – that was 4 years ago.” Steve felt his stomach clench. He lost years. Again. They were just gone.

                “How?” he whispered.

                “We were fighting an enemy yesterday and she blasted you pretty good. We think you either have amnesia from head trauma or if it was a spell. We’re checking. The enemy uses magic and we’re considering and investigating both possibilities. You haven’t been asleep for 4 years or anything, but a lot has happened,” she explained.

                “So – ok…4 years ago Loki invaded. Then what?” Steve sought. He wanted to know everything that happened. Maybe, if she told him everything it would all come flooding back.

                “Well, we won. In a sense. The Chitari didn’t take over the world or anything. But there was a lot more going on than we could have ever known. Remember how Clint was being controlled by Loki’s staff?” Steve nodded as she began, “Turns out that Clint wasn’t the only pawn. And pawn might be too light of a word. Loki was a prisoner of this horrifying titan named Thanos. Loki was manipulated and tortured before coming here. After we ‘defeated’ Loki – we – we learned later than he let himself be defeated. Thor took him back to Asgard. He was put in prison there for awhile until Thor broke him out. He tried to kill himself and disappeared. We all thought he was dead. Imagine our surprise when he showed up here all bruised and broken. Thor was like a puppy once he was back and he’s been working with us ever since.”

                “You’re serious?” Steve asked, face twisted in shock.

                “Yea. He’s actually pretty handy,” she gave him a reluctant smile.

                “Ok. What else?” he pushed on.

                “Phil isn’t dead,” she stated pointedly.

                “But – Loki – “

                “It was a trick. Loki missed all his vital organs, on purpose. Fury decided to use that as an opportunity to rally the team and fight. They let us think Phil was dead. He’s leading how own team now. When you find out, oh – you punched Fury in the jaw. It was fairly satisfying at the time,” she added.

                “I – I’m not surprised. Fury doing that…well, it’s what he does. But this, all of this, it’s a lot to process. There’s even more isn’t there?” he asked, looking up at her with pleading.

                “A lot more. But this is enough for now. We need Loki to come look at you. He can figure out whether or not it’s a spell. The head trauma is apparent, but we need to know for sure,” she decided while sending a message off on her phone.

                “I don’t know if I can be nice to him. Still feels like an enemy to me. Ya know?” he shrugged.

                “No one expects you to be nice. Most people aren’t really all that nice to him anyway, except Thor, Darcy, and you. Well, usually you. I’m sure he’ll give you a pass today,” she sighed.

                “Well, I’ll be professional,” he gave a sad smile.

                “You’re always professional,” she laughed.

                “I really want to remember, Tash,” he grimaced again.

                “You will,” she soothed.

                He believed her. Or, at least, he wanted to. He hated the way he felt. He was lost and couldn’t find an anchor. Not even the people he did remember made him feel any safer. It was 2012 all over again even though that didn’t feel far away anymore.

 

**

 

                Loki got the message to go to Steve’s hospital room. He had been wanting to go there since the incident. He wanted to crawl into the bed and wrap around him while he slept, but that wasn’t an option as long as others were around and cameras were on him. He pulled on his soft, dark green sweater. It was one of Steve’s favorites. He also pulled his hair back into a loose bun. Steve had always liked it back, played with it too. Sometimes he would sit at Steve’s feet while the blonde was on the couch. He’d card his fingers through Loki’s long hair and toy with it. He even learned to braid by playing with it.

                He hesitated at the door for a moment before walking in. He pushed it open slowly and tried to still his face as soon as he saw Steve lying on the bed. Steve looked at him and he saw his face light up briefly. He looked at Loki with warmth before closing his eyes and shaking his head. Then his body went slack on the bed. He wanted to run his fingers across his jaw and feel his skin again. But he was here to do a job. He was going to figure out what was wrong and hopefully reverse it. He would have him back later.

 

**

 

                Steve felt his heart leap when Loki walked into the room. He had expecting to feel anger or fear when he saw him, but that is not what happened. When Loki walked in he felt comfort. Loki’s hair was pulled back from his face; a few strands were falling against his cheek. _He looks pretty_ , Steve thought. But he didn’t know why he thought that.

                “Captain,” Loki greeted him.

                “Call me Steve,” he corrected. _Steven. He’s going to call me Steven_. He didn’t know why he thought that either.

                “Alright. Steven. I need to determine whether or not there is a spell placed on you,” he began.

                “Yea. Natasha mentioned. How are you going to do that?” Steve asked.

                “I’ll need to touch you. Preferably your skull as the issue is your memory. Do I have your permission to touch you?” Loki raised his hands tentatively and waited for Steve to respond.

                “Um, yea. Not a problem,” he put his hands at his sides and waited for Loki to moved closer to him. Natasha was watching them both with some intensity and remained still in her chair. Loki was biting his lower lip as he stepped forward and it made Steve’s stomach clench.

                “I’m going to place my hands on your scalp and I will need you to be calm and still,” Loki instructed as he moved to touch Steve. His fingers settled on Steve’s temples, thumb brushing gingerly over his cheekbone. Steve’s breath hitched as it did and he leaned into Loki’s touch. Warmth rushed through him and he brought up his hand to gently grasp Loki’s wrist. Loki looked directly into his eyes as he did and seemed to bring him a sense of calm. He felt an almost overwhelming need to touch Loki more.

                “I – “

                “Hush now, Steven. I must concentrate,” it was an order but it wasn’t cold or disconnected. He was trying to be soothing. Steve could faintly see light in his peripheral vision and felt…strange. He felt like he was in more than one place at a time. Before he could chase the feeling Loki stepped back with a broken look on his face.

                “It _is_ a spell. One I haven’t seen before,” he was telling both of them but only looking at Steve, “I don’t know how to remove it at the moment, but I will figure it out.” He had a desperate tone that disarmed him.

                “What’s the best way to do that?” Natasha asked.

                “I don’t know yet. I’ll talk to…there are others I can discuss this with. I don’t know how long it will take,” Loki appeared defeated for a moment and moved further away from the bed.

                “I’ll go tell Banner that there is a spell, that his thick skull is still keeping his brain safe,” she snarked.

                “Lucky me,” Steve chuckled.

                “Don’t worry too much, Steve. We will fix it,” she exited, leaving them alone.

                “Thank you. You know, for checking my head,” he gave a lop-sided smile.

                “It’s my duty to help however I can,” Loki replied, he kept averting his gaze and it annoyed Steve briefly. He didn’t know why it annoyed him so much but it did.

                “I know that – I know that the last I remember you were an enemy. Natasha told me what really happened. I promise I’ll try to keep that in mind when we interact from here on out,” Steve offered.

                “I appreciate the effort. Few have extended such thus far,” Loki smiled softly and it made Steve’s heart leap again, “And I am sorry this has happened. If we had known, I would’ve increased your protection.”

                “You can do that?” Steve cocked his head.

                “I can do a great many things, Steven,” there was that smile again.

                “I suppose I look forward to learning it all again,” he sighed.

                “I should be going. I will see you later. Stark will be by shortly. And Thor. You will be hard pressed to find time to yourself now that you’re awake,” Loki expressed.

                “Great,” Steve groaned. He wanted to be alone to process this. Loki gave a sympathetic look and seemed to quickly exit the room. Steve wasn’t sure why Loki’s departure left a pit in his chest that threatened to tear him in half. Every inch Loki put between them pressed on a dull ache he couldn’t even begin to come up with the context for. And then he was alone. Alone in a bed wishing he could just remember who he was now, because 4 years is a long time and he can’t imagine that he’s the exact same man that woke up.

 

**

 

                Bucky found Loki sulking on the roof, not surprised to find the god pensive and emotionally exhausted. Loki was looking out over the skyline with a faraway tell in his eyes. He was here and he wasn’t.

                “Sucks, doesn’t it?” Bucky walked over to where he was perched on the ledge.

                “What does?” Loki didn’t spare him a glance.

                “Steve not remembering you? Knowing you can’t be with someone you love? I mean, at least you can see him, but my relationship with him wasn’t the same as yours,” he sat next to Loki, smirking woefully.

                “What are you talking – “

                “I know about you two. Stevie was always bad at lying. Especially to me,” he cut Loki off and lit a cigarette. He grinned at the god now, mouth agape, before succumbing to an empty sadness once again.

                “Did he talk of me?” Loki whispered.

                “After I got it outta him, yea. Then he was just an open book about you. Kid smiles like it’s Christmas morning every time you walk into the room. You make him happy,” he revealed.

                “Made,” Loki choked.

                “Hey, he might not remember _you_ right now. Not specifics or details, but when he sees you he’ll remember in his own way. Even when I knew nothing about Steve or myself, when Rumlow was feeding me lies, I still _knew_ deep inside that he was an important person to me even if I didn’t know why or how. When I was on the bridge, when I supposed to kill him, I couldn’t because as soon as I really looked at him it hurt. It was like my body remembered him. I was shaking and I intentionally botched the job. You know the rest,” Bucky rambled and tried to soothe the man next to him.

                “It all feels rather hopeless at the moment. Even when I can see him he is far away,” his hands curled around the lip of the ledge, the metal bending beneath his grasp.

                “Wanna go get drunk?” Bucky stared at him.

                “Yes,” Loki sighed and they walked down to the bar where he had stashed the Asgardian ale Thor had brought back during his last trip. The two of them found Tony pacing with Bruce, Maria was on the couch with Natasha and Jane. All appeared to be stressed, Wanda walked in wringing her hands with Vision and Sam trailing her.

                “Any developments?” Bucky asked as he circled to the bar.

                “We’ve made an executive decision to sort of…sanitize his room of anything from the last 4 years. We are concerned if we give him too much too fast he could have a panic attack. His own fortitude cannot withstand something like this, his PTSD will just be thrust into overdrive when confronted with memories of years he can’t remember. We’ve resolved to continue introducing things to him slowly until we can reverse the spell,” Bruce lamented. Loki, his back to the room, looked at Bucky with a panic.

                “I can start going through – “ Tony started.

                “No. I’ll do it,” Bucky interrupted.

                “Just let us handle it, Ice Town,” Tony rolled his eyes.

                “No. You know Steve is a private person and he is still entitled to his secrets even he doesn’t actually know what they are right now. No one knows him better than I do. Besides, when was the last time he let any of you into his room? Do you know how he keeps his things? How he makes his bed? All the things that he would notice were wrong?” Bucky ranted.

                “He wouldn’t notice – “

                “Fuck yes he would. He’s been making his bed the same way since 1930. That didn’t change after the ice. I’m doing it. I don’t get to see him until you guys decide he can handle it so I’m handling his room. That’s final,” Bucky grunted. Loki stared at him with appreciation and despair. He knew that sanitizing Steve’s room meant removing all traces of himself from it.

                “Bucky is right. Just let him do it. We should focus on finding le Fay. Wanda, any progress on the spell?” Natasha announced.

                “A little. I have figured out how it is rooted but it will take some time to reverse. I am hoping it will simply wear off. The spell doesn’t feel permanent. I think it is meant to be a distraction,” she revealed.

                “A distraction?” Loki spun around to face her.

                “Yes. I think she wants us to focus on Steve so we don’t spend so much of our effort tracking her,” Wanda tensed.

                “You’re probably right,” Maria groaned, “She knows how important Steve is so she just removed him from the equation. We need to divide and conquer.”

                “I will begin researching,” Loki expressed, “I can look into what I have on spells involving the brain.”

                “I’ll continue doing what I can,” Wanda added.

                “I will support Wanda until you need me,” Vision piled on.

                “The rest of us will find le Fay and determine what she is really planning. If her plan was that we stop fighting because we don’t have Steve then we will simply fight without him,” Tony stood, a look of determination spilling across his face.

                “I think that is most wise,” Thor boomed as he entered the room, “I have determined le Fay is working near the cliffs on the most northern coast in New Jersey. She has a base of operations there.”

                “Good legwork, Pointe Break,” Tony beamed.

                “We should go,” Natasha moved towards the exit and everyone got ready to finish what they started.

 

                While everyone was off researching or gathering intel Bucky was making his way to Steve’s floor of the tower. The kitchen and living room areas of his apartment were fairly impersonal. Everything was almost as it was when Tony first brought him in. All Steve had really changed was replacing the couches and adding some bookshelves. He had put up a photograph of the Brooklyn skyline from the 40s and next to it one from today. Beyond that it was hard to tell anyone really lived here. The soft blanket on the dark, leather couch was the only give away.

                His bedroom, however, was another matter. The bedroom was all Steve. There were sketches everywhere with soft lighting and plants. His bed was made like Bucky had mentioned but it was clear just by looking at it that more than one person slept in it. The closet was full, one side had Steve’s clothes and uniforms, the classic Captain America uniform to his stealth suit, the other side had dark sweaters and formal wear, all Loki’s. There were nightstands on both sides of the bed, each had a book, Steve’s had a sketchbook as well. The chaise lounge had some clothes thrown carelessly at the end. Bucky knew that was probably Loki’s doing. There was a comb at the end of the dresser that most assuredly belonged to Loki.

                “You guys were tooth-achingly domestic,” Bucky mumbled to himself.

                “I thought I could help but I don’t think I can,” Loki was hovering in the doorway, eyes brimming with tears.

                “You don’t have to. I promise this isn’t forever,” Bucky replied softly.

                “This is worse than breaking up. I - fuck,” Loki punched the wall by the door, leaving an impressive hole.

                “Whoa, buddy. Don’t wreck the building,” Bucky grabbed his arm and pulled him further into the room. Loki sat on the edge of the bed and buried his face in his hands. His shoulders were shaking and it was clear the god was struggling not to succumb to crying. He was wound tight and fisted the fabric of the blanket.

                “The only person who knows is you. He will not be told of me. He will not remember me. If this spell is not lifted he will be lost to me,” Loki sobbed.

                “You think I’m gonna let him forget you?” Bucky looked at him incredulously, “You believe I’m going to let them keep me from seeing him either? He’s my best friend. Has been for damn near 100 years at this point. And you’re his best guy.”

                “It just…it all hurts,” Loki revealed with no hesitation.

                “I’ll remove everything. You just try to relax. We can get drunk once we finish this part. Because this part is going to be the hardest,” Bucky sunk to the floor by the closet. After a few minutes of tense silence, the men got to work. They were methodical and cold. Loki folded and removed all his clothes from the room, all his belongings from the bathroom. Bucky was left to details; how he folded his shirts, made the bed, and making sure his sketchbooks were clear of anything alarming. He would have to take away any books with pictures of him. While sorting through everything he had stored under the bed he found a red, hardcover sketchbook.

                Inside were nothing but pages of love, declarations, revelations, long and thoughtful ramblings about the man he loved. There were sketches and careful renderings. The book was 100% Loki. Everything in this book was Steve chronicling his relationship with the god. The first page was Steve’s lust for Loki expanding. He waxed poetic about the way Loki moved and his intense desire to kiss the man. Other pages were sweet. Some pages were far more…risqué than he had expected. Bucky had now seen Loki’s cock numerous times, but beautifully rendered because Steve was nothing if not a perfectionist.

He was overjoyed by the first time Bucky and Loki had a dinner together, getting along and working together. In that moment Bucky made an executive decision he hoped would benefit everything in the long run; he didn’t take the sketchbook away. He slipped it into the air vent against the far wall. Maybe Steve would never find it, but maybe he would.

 

**

 

                It had been a week and they were finally letting Steve move back into his floor on the tower. He had met a girl named Wanda and a man named Sam. Both were working closely with him during the transition. Sam was warm and friendly, he presence brought him a nice sense of connection. Wanda was harder for him to grasp. They had apparently met the year prior during a mission he still didn’t know anything about. She was magic, magic like Loki was. But not exactly like Loki since he was ancient and his abilities were old and practiced. But she was trying. She said the spell was temporary, but it could be a year or more before it was gone. The edges were shrinking, she had said. But the only new memories he had recovered were beating the Chitari and preparing for Phil’s funeral.

                “Apparently I never changed my apartment in the past 4 years,” he joked as they moved through his living space.

                “You never were one for interior decorating,” Sam laughed.

                “I can see that,” he wandered into his kitchen and opened the fridge he saw some fresh produce, beer, and bottles of water.

                “Natasha made sure your fridge was full of fresh food for you. We all forgot about that particular detail. She made Tony clean out the moldy takeout containers,” Sam smirked.

                “Thank god for that,” Steve sighed. He was somewhat unnerved that they had been through his place while he was out. He knew they probably hid some things from him. He stamped down his anger in lieu of opening some beer for himself and his friends.

                “At least they left the blanket I knitted you,” Wanda smiled as she wrapped herself in the soft, cream-colored blanket at the end of his couch. She sank into the deep cushions and seemed positively giddy as she curled up like a cat.

                “You made that for me?” Steve raised a brow.

                “I did. About 7 months ago. After I had moved into the tower you were very supportive with me while I adjusted to life here. So I decided to knit you a blanket for nights you had nightmares about the ice. It is supposed to bring great comfort. Loki put a spell on it too. It eases you back to sleep,” she explained. Steve was moved. These friends were close to him, very close. He was feeling calmer as more was revealed but he still knew that some large pieces were lost from him.

                “She made me one too, but yours is nicer. Someone plays favorites,” Sam teased.

                “I might,” she giggled.

                “As long as you’re honest about it,” he chuckled, “Tony is still a grump about not getting one.”

                “He would have been grumpy either way,” Steve added.

                “You’re right,” Sam took a swig of his beer.

                “Your blanket is the only one that got a Loki spell too. You are a favorite for everyone,” Sam teased.

                “Will you guys tell me something?” Steve tensed. He wanted to know exactly how much he had opened up with these people. Did they know Steve or was he just the Captain?

                “Maybe? Everyone else seems to think you’re more fragile than you are. I think you can handle some information,” Sam shrugged.

                “Just ask,” Wanda looked at him almost reverently.

                “Did I – I know it was 4 years, in that time – am I alone? Do I have a…partner?” Steve stammered.

                “Like a romantic partner?” Sam confirmed.

                “Yea,” Steve closed his eyes, fingers tapping on the counter.

                “That’s complicated. You were definitely dating someone. It was actually kind of cute how sneaky you were being. We are almost positive you were going off on secret dates with someone. Whoever they were you seemed to be enjoying yourself,” Sam waggled his brows.

                “Are you using gender-neutral pronouns on purpose?” Steve cringed, bracing himself.

                “We all know you’re gay, Cap,” Sam put a hand on his shoulder.

                “When did I reveal that exactly?” Steve searched.

                “Right after Natasha tried to set you up with Agent Sharon Carter, Peggy’s great niece. You kept turning down all the other girls she threw your way and finally settled on finding the only living relative of the only woman you seemed to love. That was the last straw, I guess. Because you barreled right out of that closet,” Sam recalled.

                “Huh. Ok. That’s…ok,” Steve had no words. He really wished he could remember. If he had a partner, were they looking for him? Could he call them? He had no idea who they were and couldn’t even fathom how to start. That broke his heart all over again. What if there was someone just waiting for him to come back?

                “You were pretty happy. Whoever he was, he pulled all the stress right out of you,” Sam declared.

                “I don’t want to think about that right now. What if he’s someone I don’t remember for a long time?” Steve picked at the label on his beer.

                “We believe he worked for SHIELD if that makes you feel any better. Based on a few times you entered some meetings looking as though you were very recently bedded. Tony checked and found no one out of place in the tower. And FRIDAY wouldn’t lie,” Wanda told him, “If he is SHIELD then he knows about you. And he’s probably just keeping his distance until you get better. Do not fret.”

                “I’ll try,” he sighed, “Can you tell me how I met you? Please? I need to know something.”

                “Ok. Well, you met me by chance,” Sam began, “I worked for the V.A. in DC and you made a fool outta me on your morning runs. We became friends and you brought me onto the team soon after. That was a little over 3 years ago.”

                “It was not by chance that you met me. I was supposed to help destroy you,” Wanda pursed her lips. She then spent time explaining the events of Ultron and how she went from working for HYDRA to working with the Avengers. Steve was completely thrown. But he was also extremely sad for her. Like him, she lost her only family to warfare and then HYDRA. While it was a lot to take in he was thrilled to have more information even if he had no recollection of such events. They would come back in time, but he had some footing now.

 

 

                That night Steve has strange dreams. The first one doesn’t make much sense to him, all he sees is a masked man with a metal arm who relentlessly pursuing him. He ran and ran until he stopped. It was twisted and disjointed and gave him very little to unravel. When he woke up he found he was restless, so he went into the living room and wrapped up in that white blanket. He did fall asleep quickly and found another dream. The next dream, well, that dream was not disjointed and it had Steve’s full attention.

                _Loki was circling him on the bed. Steve was nude below the blanket as he watched the god slowly remove his own pants and stood gloriously naked before him. Steve was salivating and rode up to his knees, the blanket pooling in front of his legs. Loki’s eyes darkened and he climbed on the bed to kneel in front of Steve in kind. Loki leaned forward and kissed Steve, bringing their bodies flushed together. Steve’s hands wrapped around Loki’s waist and ground their hips together, eliciting a moan from both. When Steve’s lips parted Loki was quick to thrust his tongue in to dance with the blonde’s licking up into his mouth filthily. Steve moan again and let his hands trail down to knead Loki’s ass. He cupped the cheeks and spread them. As he did Loki threw his head back. Steve licked up the now exposed throat and let a finger probe Loki’s entrance._

_“Steven, please,” Loki begged._

_“What do you want, Lo?” Steve grinned against the god’s long neck._

_“You know I want every inch of you,” he purred and rolled his hips. Steve stuttered and recovered enough to push Loki back against the mattress. Steve slotted himself between Loki’s open thighs and pulled his hair._

_“You’ll get it, baby,” Steve pressed and bit the juncture where Loki’s neck met his shoulder. Both were achingly hard and their erections were pressed together. Steve was ready to take Loki hard and rough when he heard and loud pounding sound._

                Steve shot up on the couch. He was draped in the soft, white blanket and was face down on the couch. He could feel his morning wood rock hard in his pants. It hung heavy and demanded his attention, but the pounding started again.

                “Steve-o! You awake?!” Tony shouted form outside his front door.

                “Yea. Hold on,” Steve grunted and tucked his arousal into the waistband of his boxer briefs and wrapped the blanket around his body to answer the door. When he opened it he found Tony smiling like a maniac.

                “Cap! So glad to have you finally answer the door. You ok? You look all flushed,” Tony observed.

                “Fine. I was just sleeping. Can I help you with something?” Steve asked.

                “Yes you can. Shower up and join us for a team breakfast. We have a small mission coming up and we could use your expertise,” Tony continued to smile.

                “I thought I wasn’t going back into the field until Bruce cleared me,” he replied.

                “Right. We know. But you’re better at strategy than most of us so we could use your input. Especially since you are not burdened with an abundance of information about our enemies. Maybe it’ll give you some sort of magical wisdom,” he joked.

                “Ok. Give me 20 minutes,” Steve sighed.

                “Can do,” Tony turned and left. Steve was actually happy to see him go since his erection was apparently going to be relentless. It was still firm and insistent in his underwear. He threw off the blanket, abandoning it on the couch, and went into his master bathroom. He turned on the shower, letting steam fill the room, as he slowly stroked himself, one hand bracing his body against the cold tile. He couldn’t help it no matter how hard he tried. Steve kept picturing Loki on his knees in the shower, taking all of Steve’s length in his mouth, the cockhead hitting the back of the brunette’s throat again and again. Loki would swirl his tongue and swallow until Steve was coming down the back of his throat. Some might dribble out and drip down his chin. At the very thought Steve found himself coming all over his fist, breathing hard and moaning.

                “I wonder if that’s new or…” Steve said out loud to no one, letting the hot water wash off his semen and sweat. Hid body had needed that release and he needed the shower just as much. He sort of wished he could just go back to sleep and dream of Loki all over again but was also now desperate to know why he was having those dreams. Did he have a crush on Loki before the accident?

 

**

 

                Loki was making tea in the communal kitchen. Darcy and Wanda were buzzing around behind him with freshly brewed coffee as Thor hovered by the island with his own cup. Tony was gathering everyone to have breakfast together while also discussing a mission Natasha and Sam were going to be sent off on. He had made sure to send a large breakfast up for Bucky, knowing he might not bother to eat much otherwise. When he looked back down at the counter he realized he had made two cups of tea again. Like he would every morning for himself and Steve. He squeezed his eyes shut and was prepared to toss the other out when Steve stepped into the kitchen. Turning with both cups Steve just smiled and took his ‘extra’ cup without thinking.

                “Uh, sorry. I don’t know why I did that,” Steve blushed.

                “No, it’s ok. I accidentally brewed two cups without thinking. You are saving me from wasting it,” Loki bowed his head.

                “I guess I was in luck then,” he blew on the hot tea before bringing the cup to his lips. Loki had to stifle his groan because he was now desperate to be that cup if it meant Steve’s lips were on him again. The group began to gather in the dining area and Steve followed Loki to the table and sat next to him without a thought at all.

                “Is this where I normally sit?” Steve cocked his head.

                “You started sitting there about two years ago. New members joined and we all shifted around. Why you ended up next to Loki I’ll never know,” Tony complained.

                “Cut it, Tin man,” said Darcy, who sat on the opposite side of Loki. He was always pleased when she came to his aid, even if it was expressed crudely. He doesn’t know how or when but Darcy became his best friend over time and he was almost loathe to admit it. Darcy and Steve had worn him down and made him softer.

                “Can we just have breakfast once without a squabble?” Thor interrupted.

                “Yes,” Natasha stated and placed 1 or 4 large breakfast casseroles on the table while Wanda placed another platter of fresh fruit. Everyone eventually settled and ate while exchanging pleasant conversation. Steve remained fairly quiet through the duration but kept starring at Loki. Sometimes it was a quick glance but other times it lingered. He swore he saw Steve blush a few times. When he saw Steve blush he briefly became hopeful.

                “Are you going on this mission we’re going to be talking about?” Steve asked him.

                “Oh, no. I will remain here. This particular mission is more about gathering intel, but the targets are...well-hidden and difficult to track. Despite you not being able to join them your abilities are well-honed when pursuing these sort of enemies,” Loki mentioned. He was oddly pleased that Steve was unfit to go into the field. He hated each time he was out on missions that he was not able to attend. Sometimes he was gone for weeks and each night was agony. Of course, this was a new kind of agony. He spent each night in his old bed, without his lover wrapped around him. Not even his scent on the pillow to bring him comfort.

                “As long as I’m helpful. I feel useless,” Steve shrugged.

                “Far from useless, Steven,” Loki smiled at him. And there’s that blush again.

                “I think they’re leaving today, which leaves me with another afternoon wide open. Did you want to maybe hang out or help me train?” Steve asked him.

                “You wish to…spend time with me?” Loki confirmed.

                “Yea. Not sure why, you kinda make me feel less like a freak right now. Calmer. I thought I’d hate you what with me waking up thinking you were still invading. But, well, it’s nice being around you,” Steve gave a lop-sided smile.

                “Well, I shall placate you then. I will be training with Wanda later,” Loki nodded.

                “Shall we get started?” Maria joined the group as everyone finished their breakfast. A map was laid out on the table, with various points highlighted. Various team members were going to enemy bases in Russia. Natasha began to explain where they planned to infiltrate. Steve countered, showing weaker areas. She would reply with some information about the enemy Steve didn’t know, but he always recovered by revealing better points and superior tactics. It was almost thrilling to watch him working again, even if it was trading verbal blows. Loki felt pride ride in him again and very much wanted to take Steve back to their room to be taken roughly against the wall. He eventually tore his thoughts away from such fantasies and reminded himself that it was not an option any more.

                Tony stood from the table and smiled as Natasha folded up the map and collected paperwork. Maria, Natasha, and Clint were going to be leaving for the mission in an hour. Steve helped Darcy clean up the kitchen and they walked down to the gym together, Thor, Loki, and Wanda having already made their way there. Tony was going to test out some new weapons on them to see how well they could deflect them so he could adjust them accordingly for stronger enemies, though there were few stronger. Loki tried not to appear eager to see Steve arrive in the gym but couldn’t help but smile when he left the elevator with Darcy.

                “Cap, you going to train your boredom away?” Tony asked.

                “Uh, yea. I don’t really have anything else to do. And sparring is always fun. Who do I usually spar with? I remember training with Natasha sometimes or several agents at once. Is that still how I train?” Steve asked.

                “Nope. If you’re looking to just fight your matches in brute strength you grapple with the space Vikings here,” he gestured to Loki and Thor, “but in terms of enhancing your skill you would fight with Natasha, Wade, or Luke.”

                “Wade and Luke?” Steve countered.

                “Oh yea, you haven’t actually met them in your weird brain timeline. Luke is Luke Cage, fellow science experiment. But he’s not even here right now because his wife had a baby so I guess that means he has to stay home. And Wade you have met, sort of. Wade Wilson, also known as Deadpool,” Tony answered.

                “Deadpool? The mercenary?” Steve gaped.

                “Yea. He’s an ally with us ever since he started dating Spiderman,” Darcy added.

                “Spiderman?” Steve asked again.

                “He’s the best. You’ll love him. He’s a sassy-pants from Queens,” Darcy laughed.

                “Ok. That’s…interesting. Really can’t wait for my memories to come back,” he pinched his brow and dropped his shoulders.

                “Battle with me Steven, you will work through much of your frustration,” Thor instructed by guiding him towards the mats. Loki watched as Steve stripped off his shirt and rolled his shoulders before stretching his legs. He always loved watching Steve fight. Steve would become animalistic and fierce. But what Loki loved more was fighting with Steve himself and he was geared up to do just that as soon as Thor yielded to him. It might rub salt in his wounds, but the desire to be close to him overrode the pain hovering in the air like background radiation.

                Thor struck first. Thor often struck first. Steve was always quick to recover and catch Thor off guard. Which he did expertly just then, Thor stumbled and Steve had him pinned for a few minutes before he flung Steve back. Steve collided with the nearby wall but bounced back and barreled towards Thor’s middle, bringing them both to the ground with Steve on top. Thor yielded after he realized Steve had all the leverage to keep him on the floor.

                “Whew. That does feel better,” Steve smiled bright and it melted something in Loki, “Wanna give me a go?” Steve looked at Loki now and he was especially ready to comply.

                “Of course,” Loki purred and shucked of his own shirt. Darcy handed Loki a hair tie so he could pull his hair back and he saw Steve’s eyes briefly dilate. They stood opposite each other in the sparring area and Loki waited. He stood firm knowing Steve would eventually throw himself first and he was rewarded to skin on skin after 4 minutes. Steve’s arms wrapped tightly around Loki’s shoulders and pushed him backwards. Loki almost didn’t want to resist but fought back, bringing his shoulders up and pushing out against Steve’s grip. Loki swept his leg and got Steve on his back. Flushed and sweaty Loki wanted to devour the man in front of him. He dove on top of Steve, straddling his hips, he pinned him to the ground. Steve quickly flipped them so Loki was beneath him now. He decided that he was going to be a bit naughty, rolling his hips slightly as Steve was slotted between his legs. He heard Steve’s breath hitch before finding his whole body pinned to the mat. While he could have easily let Steve win just then he wanted to draw out their grappling. He used his hips to throw Steve off balance and was able to hover above him. Steve threw a hit to Loki’s chest that surprised him. Loki growled and brought his chest against Steve’s and shoved him back against the wall. Steve’s eyes were black and Loki was pleased with himself. He was going to let him win because that meant he was going find his partner thrust against him, fully aroused for the first time in over 2 weeks. And he knew it might be a very long time before he felt it again. He might never.

                Steve hooked his arm through Loki’s elbow and flipped him to the floor. Facedown on the mat, Loki felt a firm and powerful man pressed against him. Steve was fully erect and he wanted to arch his back and feel every bit of Steve but knew better.

                “Do you yield, Loki?” Steve asked, his voice was rough and full of want.

                “I do, Captain,” he replied, voice equally rough. Steve climbed off and helped Loki to his feet. Faces flushed both averted their eyes and Steve excused himself to the locker room.

 

**

 

                Sparing with Loki was either a large mistake or a beautiful one. Steve was as aroused as he was when he woke that morning. Again, it was all about Loki and he was aching. He darted into the showers and closed the stall door behind him. Pressing his back to the tiles he found himself jacking off again. He pictured Loki naked on his stomach as Steve drilled into him from behind. Then he thought of Loki flat on his back while he had Loki’s cock in his mouth. He wanted to tear off Loki’s pants when they were on the mat and fuck him hard and filthy. He couldn’t stop thinking about the god in every imaginable position and wanted nothing more than to drag him up to his bed. That fantasy did not get far before he painted the tiles in his cum.

                “Fuck,” he whispered to himself. He turned on the faucet and washed himself off. He was tired. More than tired. He was internally clawing through himself. He had all these feelings with no context. Desires that he needed to know how new they were. There were people who he saw regularly with no recollection. He now realized how pointless the shower was because he was going to hit some punching bags.

 

 

                It had been 3 days. 3 days since Natasha, Clint, and Maria left for their mission and came back. And he had not managed to have any new memories. Steve was lying in his bed and trying to fall asleep. He hugged the other pillow to his chest an inhaled it. It smelled comforting and different from the rest of the bed; faintly of pine and snow. Somehow it smells like snow and he wanted that smell to linger on his skin for the rest of the night. Eventually he did fall asleep, but his dreams were not easy to come by, nor were they geared towards bringing him any clarity.

                _He could swear it was a nightmare. It_ looked _like a nightmare, but didn’t feel like one. He kept seeing red eyes and blue skin._ Why aren’t I scared? _He felt gentle touches on his chest and relaxed into them. But soon, all the gentleness disappeared, so did the blue skin and red eyes. Now all he could feel was a creeping chill and himself strapped to his flight chair. It was cold. So cold. Everything was dark and he heard only the roar of the ocean as he sank._

                Steve woke up with a shout and ripped the covers off his body. He was frustrated. He was frustrated and angry. He wanted to swing at something. He could do that at the gym, apparently his penchant for destroying punching bags remained consistent. But that wasn’t going to be enough. It just wasn’t. Nightmares aside he still felt lost. Sam and Wanda had told him so much and he was more or less caught up with his history and he understood much of it, but he knew there was still something he couldn’t reach. Something – someone – was at the surface but there were no memories to chase.

                He paced across his bedroom floor, fisting his hands in his hair and choking down his cries. Before he could stop himself he started tearing his room apart. He swiped his arm across his nightstands, the books and lamp toppling to the ground. He threw his pillows and tossed the blankets aside. Then he flipped his mattress, it crashed into the wall and he heard metal scrap against the surface. Steve moved across the room and pulled his mattress away from the wall. The air vent was bent, the cover hanging off one screw. That’s when he saw a sketchbook tucked into the duct.

                It was his. He knew it was his. He preferred paper of a certain weight and color; grey, heavy, and textured. The covered was dark red and was well-worn. He slumped back against the wall and sank to the floor. Cradling the book in his lap he opened it. The first page was nothing but words;

                _“He was sweet. I never expected him to be so sweet and gentle. His fingers were soft on my skin and I never wanted him to let go. But we couldn’t stay there forever. He had to go home and so did I. I just wasn’t ready to take things any further and he didn’t argue. But god, thinking about his hands are going to keep me up all night.”_

                Following that there were 2 pages of hands manipulating each other or objects, sometimes just suspended in the air. He traced along the lines with his fingers before flipping to the next page. That one had 2 sketches of Loki, one of him looking off somewhere else. The other had him smiling as he looked down. The next page had another sketch of Loki but he was laughing with Darcy. Another page and he found more writing; “ _He woke me up by surprise. He as in my bed and kissing my chest. I wanted to be upset that he snuck in but couldn’t find it in me. I just let him touch every inch of me before we wound up having sex. I could get used to him repeating that.”_

                  More pages and there was more Loki. He even found photographs from one of those photo booths you find a movie theatres and shopping centers. They were kissing in all the images. The further he got in the book the more exposed Loki appeared in the drawings. In one particularly well-rendered image Loki was arching off the bed, sheets bunched around his hips with his hard cock sticking up from beneath the fabric. There was another where he was stroking himself for Steve. Then another where he was just sprawled nude on the bed.

                Loki. He was in a relationship with Loki. This book was a testament to their relationship. How long had it gone on? Were they still together? Was this why he kept having all those fantasies? He turned another page and found more sketches, each one warmer and more loving than the next. But then he found words that left him feeling upended; _“We finally convinced them. Loki got the rest of the team to realize Bucky was safer with us in the tower than trying to survive in the city and finding me when he felt normal.”_

                Bucky. Bucky. Bucky was…here? He had to know. He started to panic when he read that page. Was Bucky alive? Was this fake? Maybe this entire sketchbook was a cruel joke. He tucked the sketchbook under his arm and darted for his front door. He went into the elevator and immediately pressed the button for the floor Thor and Loki lived on. When he got to their door he froze. He didn’t know what he was going to say. But he had to know so he raised his arm to knock. Before fist could hit the door it slid open.

                “FRIDAY, did they know I was coming?” he asked the AI.

                “No, sir. You have unlimited access to Loki’s quarters,” she replied.

                “Oh, ok...which one – “

                “Last on the left,” she cut in.

                He jogged for the door and pushed it open. Loki was sitting on the ground leaning against the floor to ceiling window. He looked like he had been reading, but eventually abandoned his book to look out across the city, his lips turned down and eyes pained. He turned his head and found Steve standing in his doorway.

 

**

 

                Steve was hovering, leaning against the doorframe, eyes red, face flushed, and shirt ripped at the collar. Immediately alarmed, Loki rose to his feet.

                “Dar – Steven, are you alright?” he moved closer, wanting to envelop the man in his doorway, but maintained his distance.

                “Lo,” he gasped.

                Lo. _Lo._ Steve called him Lo, which he only did after they had started seeing each other. Loki’s eyes widened and he froze. A tear rolled down Steve’s cheek and that was all he needed. Fuck it, he thought and embraced Steve who practically collapsed into his arms, broken and sobbing.

                “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he cried into Loki’s neck.

                “Shh,” he soothed, “you have nothing to apologize for.” Loki pressed his lips to Steve’s hair.

                “But I forgot. I forgot about you. I forgot about us. How could I forget?” he clutched Loki’s shirt and the tears were flowing freely.

                “You remember now?” Loki asked, his voice pleading.

                “No. No, I don’t. I found this,” he handed the sketchbook to Loki, “It was all about you. Every page. At first I thought I was just drawing you, but then there were words and photographs. Then the sketches got a little more explicit. I drew you naked a lot,” he managed to give a small laugh. When Steve looked up to Loki’s face he was searching for something, but he found pained eyes above the faintest smile. “We were together?”

                “Are. Technically. We’ve been together for a while,” he carded his fingers through Steve’s hair and pulled them back together. Feeling their chests pressed together again was almost too much.

                “I don’t know more. I’m sorry. I stopped reading after a page about Bucky. He’s alive? And you got him into the tower? Is it true?” the blonde spoke into Loki’s jaw.

                “I’ll take you to him right now if you’d like. You need to see him. And he needs to see you. It’s been killing him. This has been killing both of us. We’ve spent quite a lot of time together since they demanded he hide from you for their sake of your healing,” he revealed.

                “Did they make you hide us too?” Steve sounded angry when he asked.

                “No. We have always been somewhat of a secret. We felt it was a safer choice. Of course, it was more fun sneaking around,” he teased and pulled Steve along to the elevator.

 

**

 

                Steve was nervous in the elevator. As they passed each floor his anxiety increased. Bucky was alive. Bucky was alive and in the tower. They hid him from Steve. Loki didn’t. He didn’t hesitate to bring him right to Bucky. He never wanted anything hidden from Steve.

                “Why did you hide us from me?” Steve asked, looking at the conflicted god.

                “Would you have even believed me if I told you?” he snickered, “You woke up thinking I was mid-invasion. It would have been asking quite a bit for you to believe that we had been together for 2 years.”

                “2 years?” Steve gasped.

                “See? You cannot even fathom it now. I intended to wait, hoping you would remember again.,” Loki was simply looking straight ahead. Steve resigned to do the same, but worked up the courage to hold Loki’s hand in his own, earning a soft smile from the brunette. When they reached Bucky’s floor and then his front door, hands still clasped, Loki knocked on the door. After a brief paused he heard a voice.

                “I will not keep being an audience for your pity-party, Odinson,” Bucky drawled. Steve’s heart leapt in his chest. That was Bucky’s voice.

                “Open the door, you twit,” Loki begrudged, drawing a small laugh out of Steve.

                “Ya know, I’m not above decking you,” he chuckled.

                “And I’ll turn all of your underwear into fishnet again,” Loki countered.

                “You know I go commando half the time,” he sighed and opened the door, as soon as his eyes fell on Steve he became stiff and panicked.

                “Thank you for finally being a gentleman,” Loki pushed passed him and pulled Steve into the apartment. But Steve was just as flabbergasted. Bucky was standing right there, long dark hair hanging around his face and a metal arm sticking out from under his t-shirt. His grey eyes were still the same, but his face was hardened by something. _War_ , Steve thought.  

                “Buck?” he choked.

                “Took ya long enough to find the notebook I left behind. You’re slipping, Rogers,” Bucky smirked.

                “You left it for him to find on purpose?” Loki looked at the man for confirmation.

                “Of course. I was never on board with their plan anyhow. So I rebelled a little,” he shrugged.

                “That’s why I like you,” the god smiled and settled back on the couch, Bucky moving to the other end. Steve was still in shock and even more taken aback by the easy give-and-take between his best friend and his…boyfriend.

                “Do you need help playing catch-up, Stevie?” Bucky cocked his head.

                “That’d be great,” Steve replied.

                Bucky and Loki started in on everything from when Steve first found Bucky on the helicarrier, including HYDRA having infiltrated SHIELD and all the betrayal, up until their most recent mission. Loki then told him how they had begun dating and how the god was instrumental in getting Bucky into the tower, plus all the work with Wanda to correct the years of brainwashing that he endured.

                “I know how you’re feeling right now, pal. All the half-remembering and chasing memories that might not even be real killed me. HYDRA fucked with my brain bad. But if we can fix all of this,” he circled his own skull, “Then you’ll come back too.”

                Steve looked up to glance between the two men in front of him, both providing unwavering support. He resolved to wait out on everything forgotten, just letting it come as it will. He moved across the room and sat between Loki and Bucky.

                “Scootch,” Steve smiled and shifted between them, “So, why do you live up here instead of on my floor with me?”

                “Well, I used to live in one of the extra rooms in your apartment. But after Loki moved in – you two are just so fucking loud,” Bucky laughed.

                “We’re wha – “ Steve blushed furiously, “You live with me?” Steve turned to look at Loki.

                “I did until the accident. Barnes helped to move all of my belongings out,” the god frowned.

                “I knew someone else slept there. The other pillow smelled nothing like me. It helped me fall asleep when I could manage. But I still felt like something wasn’t right,” Steve smiled knowing that he had a bedmate and that it had been Loki all along.

                “You cannot imagine how it felt like falling asleep alone in my own bedroom. It was agony,” Loki’s head fell back against the couch as he let his hand trail down Steve’s thigh.

                “No, agony was listening to the both of you go at it all night. Seriously, Steve. You got a helluva mouth on ya,” he waggled his brows.

                “I agree,” Loki grinned lasciviously and bit his lower lip.

                “Gross,” Bucky shoved the god’s shoulder.

                “I never complained when you dragged Darcy back to your room at night. She is louder than you are,” Loki countered.

                “Yea, well. Hearing my best pal ask to be fucked harder was not something I was prepared for,” Bucky groaned.

                “Oh my god,” Steve buried his face in his hands.

                “Oh? That embarrassing for you, Stevie? Too bad you don’t remember the half dozen times I walked in on you two. One time I came home to find you sucking him off in the kitchen. Another time you had him bent over the arm of the couch. At least once I found him fucking you up against the sink in _my_ bathroom, which you have yet to give me an explanation for,” Bucky recalled.

                “I – I have no words – “ Steve mumbled into his hands.

                “Calm down, pal. I haven’t walked in on you in 6 months,” he laughed.

                “So, we had a very active sex life…is what I’m gathering,” Steve continued to speak into his hands.

                “Very,” Loki grinned and leaned into Steve.

                “That explains all the dreams I’ve been having,” he was blushing again.

                “Dreaming of me in my absence? I am flattered,” Loki spoke softly, he was touched more than turned on by the admittance.

                “At least I know why now,” he sighed and sank lower into the couch.

                “Don’t worry about it. Everything will come back to you soon. You’ll remember all the dirty times you had with your boyfriend. You’ll remember all the shit we went through getting me all squared away. You’ll get it all back,” Bucky tried to comfort him.

                “This is exhausting,” Steve yawned.

                “It is 3am. A bit early for these kinds of revelations. We should all go back to bed. I’m beat anyway after sparring with Clint all afternoon,” Bucky yawned as well.

                “You are right,” Loki sighed and looked over at Steve, his face worn and tired.

                “Can I sleep here, Buck? I don’t want to go back to my trashed place right now,” Steve asked.

                “Of course you can. I’ll go grab some blankets,” Bucky replied and wandered down the hall.

                “I should retire back to my quarters,” Loki stood but Steve stopped him.

                “No. Stay here? With me? Please?” he hesitated.

                “I can sleep on the other chair if it will ease you,” he murmured.

                “I’d rather you slept on the couch with me, actually. Might seem weird given I only just realized we were an item, but my body seems pretty keen on having you around,” he relaxed.

                “Only if you allow me to hold you. I have hated being unable to touch you for so long,” Loki countered.

                “I’d like that, actually,” Steve leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on Loki’s lips.

                “Thank you,” the god whispered.

                “For a kiss?” the blond grinned.

                “Of course. I am thankful each time you express your affections for me,” he revealed before burrowing his face in Steve’s neck.

                “I see you two are back to being all handsy with each other. Just like old times,” Bucky chucked the blankets at them, “I’ll be in my room and I expect my couch to remain semen-free.”

                “I’ll endeavor to try,” Loki shouted back to him as Bucky retreated to his room. Steve, still in his sleeping pants just wrapped the blanket around him and moved to lie on the couch with Loki at his back. His body relaxed instantaneously and he felt all tension melt away with the god’s arms around him.

                “Now I know why I had trouble sleeping if this is how I usually slept,” Steve said.

                “We did always end up tangled together. I do not like to keep my hands off you,” Loki’s hands squeezed Steve’s waist and settling over his stomach.

                “You’re warm,” he snuggled deeper into the couch and turned to face Loki, face against his neck.

                “You’re as affectionate as ever,” he giggled and brushed his nose against the blonde’s hair.

                “It feels right to be. And no but you or Thor has actually touched me in over a week. Just let me enjoy this,” he breathed against Loki’s skin and placed another small kiss.

                “You make do what you like with me,” he laughed and held him tighter.

                “I do wish I remembered it. All of it. I want to remember what it was like to touch you for the first time. Or our first date. I want to know how I felt the first time I woke up with you in bed. Or, you know, the first time we had sex,” he began.

                “All of those things were utterly spectacular,” Loki soothed.

                “Even the sex?” he sought.

                “I have been alive for more than 1000 years and been with many people. But you are, by far, the best I have ever had. And the only man I have ever loved so purely and deeply,” he brought Steve’s face to his own and began kissing him with the same desperation that had been building in him for the past 2 weeks. Steve pressed into the kiss hard and parted his lips. Loki made quick work to slip his tongue between and graze along his teeth and lick into his mouth. Steve moaned and curled his hand around the back of Loki’s neck. They began to breath more deeply and move their bodies against one another, hips bucking forward and fingers dancing along exposed flesh.

                “I don’t remember – but I can feel that I love you,” Steve whispered.

                “That’s the only part that’s important,” Loki smiled and kissed him again. They ended up kissing lazily before falling asleep in a heap under all the blankets Bucky had thrown at them. It was the first time either man had slept soundly since the accident.

 

**

 

                Tony was waiting with Natasha, Clint, Bruce, Sam, and Jane for Steve to meet them in the kitchen. He was more than an hour late and the team was getting restless.

                “He’s never late,” Clint sighed.

                “He’s also never had amnesia before. Maybe some wiggle room is permitted here,” Natasha argued.

                “FRIDAY, where is Steve?” Tony asked the AI.

                “Captain Rogers is in the quarters of Sargent Barnes,” she replied. The entire team immediately got to their feet in a panic.

                “Since when?” Tony squeaked.

                “He woke up at 2am from a nightmare. He then went to Loki’s room. Following that they went to see Barnes. They have all been there since,” she answered.

                “Fuck,” Tony groaned.

                “Let’s go,” Bruce motioned and they all took the elevator up to Bucky’s apartment. They were all, understandably, nervous. Steve now knew that Bucky was alive and that they were all hiding him. He was going to be angry. They were not prepared for what they found when they got to Bucky’s living room. Steve and Loki were spooning on the couch while Bucky was quietly brewing coffee in the kitchen.

                “Welcome to my apartment. I’m so glad I invited you in and that you gave me proper warning,” he deadpanned.

                “What the hell?” Tony observed, looking at Steve happily snuggled in Loki’s arms. Steve was awake now and suddenly very aware of what the scene looked like. But he also couldn’t find it in him to care after everything he had been through.

                “Hi, guys,” Steve droned.

                “Why on earth are you spooning with the Asgardian?” Clint cocked a brow and gave them a once over.

                “Turns out he and I have been secretly dating for a very long time. I decided to indulge in some affection,” he answered truthfully. Steve narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

                “Oh really? And he told you this? You just took his word on it?” Tony shot.

                “So many things make sense now,” Sam mused aloud.

                “They have been dating. For 2 years in fact,” Bucky sauntered into the living room with a pot of coffee and multiple cups.

                “That I believe even less,” Tony countered.

                “Doesn’t really matter if you don’t believe it,” Bucky shrugged as he offered coffee to Loki and Steve.

                “Steve isn’t about to shack up with the formerly evil alien,” Tony continued to argue.

                “As much as I am enjoying the attack on my character I am very willing to expose our relationship now if it means you will relent,” Loki began.

                “I believe you,” Sam offered.

                “Thank you,” Loki nodded.

                “I still don’t. How do we know this isn’t some weird trick you’re playing? It’s cruel to mess with his head like this,” Bruce interjected.

                “Oh, for the love of god. Hold on,” Bucky grumbled before stomping off to his room. When he came back he tossed a small, black box on the table. Steve picked it up and turned it over a few times before opening it up. Inside there was a silver, brushed metal band with a dark blue, glass inlay. It was lovely and Steve held it up for the group.

                “Is that a wedding ring?” Natasha sputtered.

                “It is. Steve had it made a month ago. He was going to propose. Sorry to ruin the surprise but it’s the only way I could think to demonstrate the gravity of your relationship,” Bucky tensed.

                “I drew this in my sketchbook. I didn’t know what it was until now. I gave the ring to you to keep?” Steve looked to Bucky.

                “Yea. You were afraid Mr. Snoop would find it. You rented an old lighthouse on the northern coast of Maine. It had been converted into a B&B. You were going to take him there and propose in November. You had a grand plan ready to go. It even required me queuing up a time explosion,” Bucky smirked.

                “Really?” Loki interrupted, staring at Steve in disbelief.

                “I guess I was,” Steve smiled, “I’ll probably remember eventually. Hopefully before November.”

                “I – I don’t know what to say,” Loki said quietly.

                “I suppose I was hoping ‘yes’,” Steve teased.

                “As if I would say anything else,” Loki kissed him hard, pinning him to the back of the couch, not caring for everyone looking on.

                “Are you serious right now?” Sam turned around.

                “Now you know I feel,” Bucky grumbled.

                Steve and Loki just continued to kiss on the couch until everyone gave up and left. Steve preened into each kiss and gently pulled on Loki’s hair. He still had the ring in his hand and stopped to slip it on Loki’s finger.

                “Are you certain?” Loki paused.

                “I am. I don’t know much of anything right now but I know this feels like everything I’ve ever wanted,” Steve answered before kissing Loki again and pulling him down deeper. They were like that for hours and no one dared bother them, even Bucky, despite the fact that it was his couch in his apartment. Months later all of Steve’s memories would return and both men would move forward without hiding their relationship anymore. Loki would still manage to find ways to sneak around with his lover, much to Tony’s chagrin. Of course, once they got married Loki made a point to tone down on the tricks. At least for awhile. Steve would indulge him most of the time anyway. He wasn’t so good at telling his husband ‘no’.


End file.
